Hairy Situation
by bbfan
Summary: Jack needs Sam's help... again.


DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions and Gekko Film Corp. This story was written for entertainment purposes. No money involved what so ever. No copyright infringement is intended.  
  
TITLE: HAIRY SITUATION  
  
AUTHOR: bbfan  
  
E-MAIL: bbfan_01@yahoo.com  
  
RATING: PG  
  
SUMMARY: Jack needs Sam's help… again.  
  
SEASON: 7  
  
SPOILERS: Missing scene for 'Fallen'.  
  
CATEGORY: Humor  
  
PAIRINGS: Sam/Jack  
  
STATUS: Complete  
  
WARNINGS: Um... none.   
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is my very first all dialogue story... and probably my last. Thanks to Tricia and Kim for their beta skills. Hope you enjoy this. I enjoyed writing it. Feedback is appreciated. Any mistakes are mine, and mine alone.  
  
"Hey, Carter, you decent?"  
  
"Um… actually, sir, I'm in a state of undress. I'll be there in a second."  
  
"Too much info., Major."  
  
"Sorry, sir."  
  
"C'mon, Carter, second's up."  
  
"Yes, sir, and you're free to come in."  
  
"Nice robe… you're not… well, you know… I mean, you do have clothes on underneath the robe?"  
  
"Yes…"  
  
"Good, because I don't think I could carry on an intelligent conversation, knowing you were… well, you know."  
  
"Naked."  
  
"Yes… that. So…"  
  
"Sir, what are you doing here so late?"  
  
"Nothing, really… just in the neighborhood… actually I saw your light on and I couldn't help but wonder what was keeping you up so late. Are you bedding down here tonight?"  
  
"Yeah, I thought I'd go over my notes for our meeting tomorrow on the X-302. It's much more convenient to sleep here in my lab, since everything I need is right here."  
  
" "  
  
"Sir? Is there something you want to talk about?"  
  
"What makes you think I want to talk about something?"  
  
"With all due respect, sir, I've been under you… let me rephrase that… I've been under your command for the past seven years, I can tell when something is bothering you… and, sir, what ever you do don't push…"  
  
"Oops."  
  
"… the blue button. It's okay, sir. Just put the pieces down on the counter and I'll put them back together when I get a few days of downtime."  
  
"Sorry, Carter."  
  
"S'kay, sir. Um… why don't you come over here and sit down. Better?"  
  
"Uh huh, so…"  
  
"So, why don't you start at the beginning. What's got you so… edgy?"  
  
"Edgy?"  
  
"Lack of a better word, sir?"  
  
"Okay, Carter. You want me to talk, I'll talk. I just came from tucking in our newly descended teammate…"  
  
"Daniel. How is he?"  
  
"He's fine… except when the Doc gave him his glasses. He brought something up that… well, irked me."  
  
"And that would be…?"  
  
"My hair."  
  
"Your hair… sir?"  
  
"Yes, Carter, my hair. Hey! What did I say about giggling, Major?"  
  
"Sorry, sir."  
  
"No, you're not."  
  
"I am."  
  
"Not."  
  
"Am."  
  
"Ugh… Carter! Are you going to help me or not?"  
  
"Okay, what exactly did Daniel say about your… hair?"  
  
"He asked if my hair had always been this way. I said, 'what way', and he said, 'never mind'. I looked at the doc and she just shrugged her shoulders, which I interpreted as a plead of the Fifth Amendment."  
  
"She didn't."  
  
"She did."  
  
"Well, now, that's a shocker."  
  
"And what's that suppose to mean, Carter?"  
  
"Nothing, sir."  
  
"Carter?"  
  
"Sir, what I think Daniel is referring to, is not how you wear you're hair, but… Sir, permission to speak freely?"  
  
"Go ahead, Carter. When has anything stopped you before?"  
  
"Sir, your hair sticks up all over the place. It's as if it has a mind of it's own."  
  
"Thanks, Carter. Now that we have that established, what is your recommendation to fixing my problem?"  
  
"Hair gel, sir."  
  
"Hair gel?"  
  
"Yes, hair gel. I have some in my bathroom. Do you want to take a look?"  
  
"Sure… hey, nice bathroom, Carter."  
  
"It's a carbon copy of yours, sir."  
  
"I don't think so."  
  
"Sir, please stop… fingering… my hose. You'll put a snag in them."  
  
"Okay, so where's this hair goop you were talking about?"  
  
"Right here… um, you can try it if you like, sir."  
  
"I think I might just do that, Major, but I've never used this stuff before. Wanna help me?"  
  
"Sure. Here's a clean towel. Wet your hair down and then let me know when you're done."  
  
"Thanks, Carter. You're the best 2IC in the whole United States Air Force."  
  
"I aim to please, sir."  
  
___________________  
  
"Um… Colonel? What are you doing?"  
  
"Getting you wet."  
  
"I can *feel* that, sir. May I ask why?"  
  
"Didn't want you feeling left out."  
  
"Thank you for your concern. You can now stop shaking your head. I'm thoroughly drenched."  
  
"Fine, Carter. Where do you want me?"  
  
"Back in the bathroom. At least if we make a mess, it will be confined to that small room."  
  
"Okay, now what?"  
  
"Sir? Have you been messing with my hose again?"  
  
"Wasn't me."  
  
"Sir?"  
  
"Okay, they fell off the shower curtain rod when I shut the door. You know, the draft… whoosh… they fell down. I picked them up as carefully as I could so… I wouldn't… *smudge* them?"  
  
"Snag."  
  
"Huh…?"  
  
"Snag them… so you wouldn't snag them."  
  
"Right! So, there you are. I wasn't *messin'* with them."  
  
"Uh, huh."  
  
"So, Major, now that we have that all cleared up, let's get back to the task at hand… my wayward hair."  
  
"Do you want to apply it yourself, sir?"  
  
"No, you're the expert on hair goop. I'll let you do it. With my luck, I'll continue with the stick-your-finger-in-the-light-socket look."  
  
"So, let me understand this. You want *me* to apply the hair gel?"  
  
"Uh… yeah. Do you see a barber in this bathroom?"  
  
"Just making sure I understood you… sir."  
  
"C'mon, Carter. Cut the crap and get on with it. It's getting late."  
  
"Yes, sir. All you do is put a small dab of gel in the palm of your hand…"  
  
"Wow, Carter. That's not much gel."  
  
"Your hair is very short, sir. You don't need much."  
  
"Right."  
  
"Now you rub your hands together, like so, and then…"  
  
"Ow! Carter! Not so hard. You're giving me a noogie… and God, what's that smell?"  
  
"It's the gel… sir. Why?"  
  
"Cause, I smell like a girl, Carter. Let me see the bottle. No wonder… 'Hair Gel for Woman'. Thanks a lot, Carter!"  
  
"Well, sir, I *am* a woman. You know… I think I might sleep in my quarters after all. Goodnight, sir and don't forget to lock up before you leave."  
  
"Carter, I swear… payback's a bitch, Major… don't forget that!"  
  
"Ugh!"  
  
The end. 


End file.
